Life lessons are hard to learn when you need them most, and they are the hardest to hear and absorb when you find yourself at that juncture.
Here's today's metaphor: I don't know exactly what it taught me, but I recognized that something changed, and there was evidence of new growth. A little green shoot of new life that grew from what seemed to be a dying plant.
I had a friend who I spent alot of time with over the past four years. My faith and loyalty in this person was really ill founded in retrospect, and because of that choice, I suffered alot of damage. We all know that human dynamic and scenario, so I won't waste alot of time writing about it. It was my choice to persue the friendship, I ignored all the red flags, and eventually got spiritually fist fucked for trying to persue the relationship. Ain't nobody's fault but mine.
For the past year, I've been cleaning up a mess of epic proportions. The hole I dug myself in was deep, and its still an on going job. I went through the steps of Anger, Denial, and Blame. But at my age, I've recognized to get through them quickly and only focus on my own personal responsibility.
That's the only thing that will lead you to a change, because ultimately it is only the self that you have control over. No matter how hard you try, you can never effect change in others. So if you don't like the outcome, you have to change your own behavior.
That lets everybody off the hook, and will eventually lead to forgiveness. The last person to forgive in the chain is yourself, and the hardest path to discover is how to really forgive yourself without being a total sociopath with no moral compass when finally doing so.
There is a big difference between forgiving yourself honestly, and not giving a tumbling fuck about the consequences of your decisions.
Forgiveness is not deluding yourself in a blanket of denial, especially when trying to identify your own mis-steps. There has to be an awareness achieved before you get there; a step that is human nature to want to skip over.